Perfection...or Not

The drive to be perfect is strong in some people...kind of like the Force. Some mothers want to present to the world the perfectly behaved child, the perfectly clean house, the perfect, happy marriage. I watch them worry about their curtains, the type of car they drive, and what they and their children are wearing. I am no longer one of these people. But I used to be. I cared so much about what other people thought. I worried about how to define myself...mother, horse rider, librarian....what exactly was I to other people? What do they think of me? I am starting to learn to not worry about who I look like to others or how they define me. What is important is how I define myself to myself. With this realization perfection has become less important in life.

So I am here to admit that my house always borders on chaos. And quite frankly I really don't mind. I am in the process of minimizing to make the house cleaning easier, but it doesn't matter to me anymore how fast it gets done. At some point in the future I will get rid of those useless items, but when is no longer important. I can only achieve so much in a given day. So if you come to my house and the rug needs vacuuming and there are dishes in the sink you will have to deal with it. At least my house is filled with love along with the mess.

My marriage is as chaotic as my house. I am not afraid to say it. We are a true partnership and all of those have bumps and not so pretty moments. We fight rarely, but misunderstandings abound. We try and talk them out, but sometimes someone loses their temper or pouts. I use to think I needed to change all this so we were in perfect accord every moment of every day. What would Eowyn think to grow up seeing her parents disagree? But I realized we are not perfect and she will have to learn that. But she also will see love and respect and a hell of a lot of laughter. She will see that two people can love each other and argue and that they can work through it. She will learn to admire a healthy relationship with give and take that has no need to present a perfect facade to the world. Who needs perfect when you have wonderfully flawed?

I will also admit to not having a perfectly behaved infant. Eowyn is wonderful exactly because I let her be herself. I am not a perfect mother. I have flaws. Maybe I should care more about where she is in her cognitive development. Perhaps, I should be doing things to help her physical, mental, and emotional enrichment, but honestly I don't. I just enjoy her. I play with her. I accidentally let her bump her head too hard. Sometimes I cannot figure out why she is crying even if it is something obvious. Occasionally, I wish she would just go away so I could meditate or ride or read a book. Eowyn is Eowyn, not perfect, but magnificent all the same. She is joyfully loud in public places. I have given up being embarrassed and instead I am enjoying her love of the world. She fights naps and gets cranky. I am enjoying long walks to help her to sleep. She makes the hugest mess you will ever see while eating. I really don't care if her clothes get food on them or something gets on the floor. She has a thousand tiny habits both endearing and frustrating. Mistakes are made everyday, but I am realizing it does not matter much as long as she is loved. I am not a perfect mother, but I am a real one.

So I am calling out to all people, especially mothers, to let go of that search for perfection. Instead of running around trying to produce the perfect clean house, the perfect meal, the perfect child, throw down the dust rag and go outside and play in the dirt. Life cannot be controlled, dishes have a way of piling up, and your kids are only kids for so long. Go hug your husband and realize it doesn't really matter if his laundry is on the floor as long as he makes you laugh. Practice the art of doing nothing and perfection be damned! Because in the end all that perfection is an attempt to define yourself to other people. To present a face to the world that you think is acceptable and then hide behind it. I refuse to be defined by other people anymore. I will teach my daughter to be divinely flawed and to follow her bliss and let the dust bunnies pile up while she is at it! Life is not perfect, go embrace it.

Let Them Eat Grass!!

It has been awhile since I have posted. There is actually a wonderful reason for this. We did the best thing for a family that wants to appreciate nature and be more environmentally sound, we went and lived in a rustic cabin for the summer. This meant no television, no internet, no clothes dryer. It meant spending time together instead of spending time in the same room while one or both of the adults stared at an Iphone, a computer, or some other gadget. And for our beautiful Eowyn, who is now seven months old, it meant a summer of amazing experiences.

There is nothing like watching your child start to really interact with the world. As any mother knows, the age around six months is just incredibly exciting. They learn to sit, they talk up a storm, they start having interactive play, and they learn how to move themselves from place to place. Eowyn did all these things while we were hiding from the real world. She talks up a storm to anyone who will listen, she sits up by herself, she hands me things and then wants them back, she shakes her rattles in time with me, and she moves. A mixture of crawling, rolling, scooting, and what Zack and I have affectionately termed flumping gets her where she wants to go. Flumping, of course, is a push up where at the apex of up she thrusts herself forward by her legs and nose dives toward the floor. Awkward and sometimes painful it still results in quite a bit of forward movement, which is all she wants right now. And most of all she spent the greater part of her summer outside.

And this, I think, is the best way to foster a love of the world in any child. Get them out in it! Eowyn rolled around in the dirt and she sat on horses and chewed their manes while giggling excitedly. She also went for walks to see the sheep, the dogs, and anything else that caught her fancy. She helped hang clothes out on the line to dry which she enjoyed quite a bit although it certainly did not make it go any faster for the person hanging the clothes! And scariest of all for some parents is that she experienced her world tactilely. Yes, this means she ate grass. She not only ate it, but joyfully smeared it all over herself, threw it in the air, and offered some to anyone passing by her. And she did not die. In fact, she didn't even get sick. I didn't try to keep her on a freshly laundered, pristine blanket all the time. While I taught riding lesson she sat and tasted her world. And she loved it! Sure, she occasionally actually swallowed a small bit of grass. And yes, it is true that she did not avoid getting a few random bug bites. But seeing the absolute joy on her face as she explored was worth it. The dogs always kept her good company, happily laying or rolling in that same grass that Eowyn was shoving in her mouth by the fistful. I have rarely experienced the contentment that came with watching my daughter love nature even at her young age. So my advice is get outside with your baby, child, loved one and really experience the world. Get away from the internet and other gadgets. And most of all, let them eat grass. It rarely hurts them and the joy that they get from truly being in nature and not just looking at it will awe you.

Hope

So here I am writing again finally. Eowyn has turned four months old and I realized that the time has slipped away so easily. It is good that my daughter is so wonderful, as during my time away from the blog so many awful things have happened. An uncontrolled oil spill is ruining multiple fragile ecosystems in the Gulf of Mexico and the Yellowstone Bison are being harrassed in the name of big business cattle interests. Everywhere you look in the news ( which I try not to do too often) there are tales of woe politically, environmentally, and socially. It is enough to make one wonder why I bothered to have a child at all with the world the way it is today. It seems that we as a race are determined to self destruct and take everything we can with us.
Yet there is still hope. It can be found out in the woods and fields. To celebrate Eowyn's four month old birthday we hiked up Cobble Mountain for the first time. It was just the two of us and three very happy dogs. Everywhere I looked signs of renewal where sprouting. From the Painted Trilliums and Trout Lillies, to the leaves unfurling of off branches long bare, the whole world seemed to be waking up. Eowyn laughed and burbled and touched all the leaves and branches she could grab, totally enamored with the world around her. We stopped and smelled the flowers as the dogs frolicked and harassed the local squirrels and chipmunks. She thought that was just spectacular! Eowyn's obvious and complete love for the world around her gave me hope.
And that, my friends, is one of the most important things we have to do for ourselves and the future. We must encourage the next generation to keep that instinctive love of the world. And we have to help them figure out how to save it. But if our children continue to grow up and lose that wonder for the natural, if they fall into the trap we have fallen into with profit, materialism, and consumerism as the idols we worship then who knows what the future holds for our species and all the others that share this planet. So I am dedicating my next few blogs to ideas on how we can nurture that instinctive love and wonder of nature in our children as they integrate into mainstream society. I will brainstorm how we can better our own lives so that we give a good example to our children as they grow. Because it is there. All we need to save the world is there in the ecstatic smile of a baby as she touches her first flower.

Back to the Grind

So today is the official end of my maternity leave. I cannot begin to explain the emotions that this causes as I look at Eowyn, happily burbling to her pal Chester the horse, as she sits next to me. On the surface, I know I should feel lucky. I have managed to tweak our life so that I am only going back part time. Today, I only have to perform dorm duty and that does not even start until 5:15 tonight. And after that I only have to work in the library on Thursdays and Fridays. But still I have this sinking in my heart. I am lucky, I just have to keep telling myself that. But I don't really believe it. Because no matter how little time I have to spend away from Eowyn, it is still time that I will never get back. Every smile that I miss is one I will never see. And every diaper change I am not here for is a missed chance to interact with my daughter and deepen our bond. I may miss milestones like her first real out loud laugh, or her first time turning over. I cannot rewind and be there for those things once I have missed them. I never thought I would want to be a stay at home Mum. All I could think was how boring that must be and how I could never do it. But I was wrong. There is nothing more special and time consuming than watching and helping your baby grow. It reminds you of the wonder of life and the simplicity of what we need to really survive. Sure, some days are frustrating and tiring, but the rewards outweigh those days by a hundred fold. So in some ways I am lucky and in some ways I am desperately trying to figure out how we could survive if I didn't work for awhile, at all. Because as I return to the grind, even part time, I am aware with every fiber of my being what I am going to be missing. I am going to be missing moments of life and love and laughter just to make a few bucks. Maybe neither my daughter or I want to settle for that.

Greening the Baby

So one of the things I struggle with is how to be green while raising a child. I think anyone who is environmentally minded and has children faces this dilemma.Because children have a lot of stuff. A lot of it comes from China. And unfortunately they outgrow their stuff at a rapid rate. So here is a list of strategies I have used and am using to try and green our child.

1. We use cloth diapers. This allows us to not fill landfills with disposables that take hundreds of years to break down. It is easy to do and I actually enjoy it. These days there are so many options that I think there is a cloth diapering system for everyone. If you are dedicated to disposables look into chlorine free diapers like Seventh Generation. But cloth is the cheapest and best way to go in my opinion.
2. In that vein, I had a winter baby, so I use an indoor drying rack and only put my diapers in the dryer for a short time to get the water out. I hang them to dry the rest of the way. When summer comes I am going to line dry them all the way, outside, no dryer needed. I also pre-wash them by hand to limit the cycles I have to use on the washer.
3. When I buy something for Eowyn, I buy less but better quality. I try to find organic clothes that were made in the U.S. or at least closer than China. I buy organic, local made natural toys of wood and cloth. Sure they are more expensive, but really how many outfits and toys does she need anyway.
4. I encourage people who want to buy us stuff to do the same, but I use whatever they do buy. If they bought it, it is a waste to not use it. Anything I really cannot bring myself to use goes to a local thrift store to be used by someone else with different tastes.
5. Hand Me Downs. I try and get everything I can second hand from family, friends, or a thrift store. It saves money and reusing stuff is always a good environmental move.
6. Breastfeeding. I know this sounds strange, but it is environmental. We don't need bottles and storage containers and formula containing who knows what, made who knows where. Her food travels with me easily, relieving me of yet another bag full of stuff. And it is healthier for me and for her. I love breastfeeding!
7. Babywearing. Okay this one is maybe a little silly, but it saves us from consuming all kinds of strollers and chairs and bouncy things. I have a piece of cloth called the Moby Wrap. I put her in it to walk, hang out, dance, settle her when she is fussy, and anytime I don't know what to do with her. It works like a charm and is way easier to transport than a stroller. I do have a jogging stroller. It was a wonderful hand me down gift from my lovely Aunt and it does come in handy for jogging, the one thing I am not comfortable doing in my baby carriers. I also have one chair/seat thing, another generous hand me down from a good friend. We use it sometimes to eat and when she has a stuffy nose she likes to sleep in it.

So there are some easy, simple, and sometimes cheap ways to be a little more environmentally minded with a little one. The best advice I received though is don't be a consumer. Eowyn wants attention, love, and care. She does not need a ton of other stuff that takes resources to make and has to be shipped to your home using even more resources. Think twice about what you buy and where you buy it. I am sure I will have many more ideas on greening the baby as she grows and I will be sure to let you know!

Simplicity

Eowyn has many things to teach me. I believe that I am going to spend the rest of my life learning from her. It is a mistake to think parents teach children, when really the relationship is much more reciprocal than that. In fact, if we learned more from our children perhaps we would be better people as adults.
The most important lesson I am learning from my beautiful daughter at this moment is simplicity. Simple, wonderful, simplicity. As we grow we have a tendency to complicate our lives so much. We collect things, we work hard to have money to collect things, we scurry around from task to task, and we often ignore the important things in life both physically and emotionally. Eowyn asks for nothing but the most basic of needs. Feed me and love me. Certainly she needs some other things to survive like clothing. But what I have realized is she doesn't care if she has one outfit or twenty. She doesn't care what color or style the clothing is as long as keeps her warm when she is cold or cool when she is hot. And her amusements are simple. Think about it. Her favorite thing to do is look into her parents faces and smile. What would the world be like if we were all so happy just looking at each other and smiling? If our faces are not available she is almost as happy to stare at a plant or a dog or the sun shining on the floor. She doesn't need computers, television, toys of all sorts at all, although society might like to make us think that. She just needs the world around her to inspire awe, laughter, and tears.
I think adults complicate our lives emotionally as well. We often lie to ourselves and others, we bottle up emotions and problems, we put unreasonable expectations on each other, and carry around all sorts of other emotional baggage. Eowyn does none of this. If she is unhappy or has a problem, she lets us know. If she is happy she lets us know. She doesn't hold grudges if we have trouble figuring out what she needs. She loves fiercely and with all her little being. My goal in life is to live more like that. I want to need less toys and enjoy the world that surrounds me more. I want to deal honestly and openly with the human beings that I share this world with and let them know if I am happy or sad or any of the other million emotions. I think if I can follow the example of my child I can live a happy, more honest, more simple life.

Purpose and passion

I have been thinking on this foggy, chilly spring day about purpose. What is my purpose with this blog, in this day, in my life? Although having a purpose may not be needful for existence, I think most humans feel they should have one. Which makes perfect sense as most living things have a purpose. This is simply to eat, reproduce, and survive. We are a bit beyond that though and finding purpose in today's society is harder than it should be. Because it is easy to confuse having a purpose with just following along with what everyone else thinks is the appropriate thing to be doing.
I have a problem with this. Mostly because I don't buy into it. I hate the 9 to 5 grind that tells you to work more, consume more, have 2.5 children and a house in suburbia. And don't forget your very large flatscreen television with which you can numb yourself to the complete mediocrity of your life. Don't get me wrong, many people find relief in loved hobbies such as gardening, hiking, or dancing. And people certainly love and find purpose in their children. But I always think it is somehow wrong to spend the majority of your time doing something you feel ambivalent about and regulating your passions to those few hours you have free, if you have the energy. Even mothers do it these days as they rush back to work after maternity leave, so they can rejoin the rat race and pay the bills. I just find it hard to believe that in their hearts most people want to sit in cubicles or even offices, in front of computers typing away. I think most people want to create and have freedom. But if your work really is your passion and your true purpose, congratulations! You have arrived at a point that I am still reaching for in my life. Because I want to live a life less ordinary. I want to do this for me, but also for Eowyn. I want her to see that life is not a day to day grind, but a wonderful journey where anything is possible and you never have to settle for just enough happiness or contentment. She deserves to see a joyous life and learn that she really can do whatever makes her heart fly, all the time. Which she can, people are doing it.
So I come back to my purpose. What do I enjoy? What makes me light up in the morning? Certainly not my day job, which I have to drag myself out to bed for with no small amount of moaning and groaning. I challenge everyone to think on this. Because if you can define your passion then you can start to live that passion. And that means you will have finally found a purpose worth working for that is all your own. And you should dream big and never think that you cannot survive by following that dream. It is interesting how many opportunities show up when you let go of fear and follow life. I have seen it happen over and over. You may have to give up some things and live a different lifestyle at least at first, but many of those things are unimportant anyway. As for me, I admit that I am still working on it. Passion I have in spades, for horses, writing, nature, and of course my family. Now I just have to make that leap of faith completely so that those passions can be my sole (or soul) purpose. I am starting to believe it is possible. What about you?

Season of seeds

Spring is starting to lift her lovely head out of the snows of winter here in the Adirondacks. Birds are starting to sing their joyous spring song and earth damp from snow melt is appearing even in the forests. A walk outside is to be inundated with the smells that carry the promise of warmer weather to come. The signs of decay and rebirth are everywhere. Piles of wet, rotten leaves sporting various fungi and the tiniest buds appearing on the trees all point to arrival of a new season. This is always a favorite time for me as my imagination starts to run wild with the possibilities of summer. And one of those possibilities is always a garden.
Gardening in the High Peaks Region of the Adirondacks is no bargain despite big dreams of plenty. Our growing season is short, cold, and often very wet compared to other areas. To add to that our soil is often rocky and not always as nutrient rich as one would hope. Tomatoes struggle even in the best of years and many have resorted to only growing them in the greenhouse. I have not given up on them yet though and still hope to find the perfect variety of tomato for this region. So I have taken out my seed catalog and I have made my list of seeds. It is long. Actually, it is much more ambitious than any other year. And all I can think is how am I going to juggle a garden of this size with horses and the baby. My gardens have often succumbed to neglect just because of the horses, and now I have even more responsibility that does not include weeding!
But the call of the earth is strong. And it is even stronger this year because Eowyn has decided to bless us with all kinds of food intolerance. Wheat is right out and dairy and soy have to be very limited. This leaves me eating vegetables and meat, a whole food diet of the most basic sort. In my heart I feel that instead of buying not so good looking vegetables from the supermarket, I should provide us with lovely organic food grown with my own hands. It will be cheaper in the long run and healthier for me and her and the planet. I am determined to turn the unfortunate fact of her food intolerance into a real blessing that shows up on our table daily. I am going to take this season of seeds and rebirth and extend it year round. Eowyn may be the most minimalist person I know. She wants love, affection, a dry diaper, and food that is worth eating. Simple, nutritious, and delicious. And food like that is best grown from seeds under a watchful eye of a loving mother.

The Baby Crisis

So everyone has heard of the mid-life crisis. Our culture abounds in jokes, stories, and self help books all about this phenomenon. But no one ever talks about the baby crisis, and I am willing to bet it happens more than anyone knows or admits. Lets be clear, having a baby crisis has nothing to do with postpartum depression. That is a medical and chemical issue that has been documented. The baby crisis is more a spiritual problem. It is the process of finding out who you are after the birth of your baby.
When you have a child everything changes. I believe that most people go into it knowing this fact intellectually, but maybe not emotionally. I know I had not really internalized it and only now, over two months into motherhood, am I realizing the full extent of that change. It is virtually impossible to be the exact same person you were before baby. Maybe this will be an unpopular opinion, but I think it is a true one. Life suddenly revolves around that tiny person. All walks of life experience this. Bar hoppers no longer go out all the time and runners run less especially in the beginning. There is less time for gardening, biking, reading, and traveling. I spend less time with my horses and other animals. I meditate and do yoga less. I hike and run less. It is enough to really start you questioning who you are in the grand scheme of things. It causes some deep thought processes about what in your life is really important. Because the fact is that with a baby you just don't have time to do everything you did before. Something has to give. I am realizing that it is going to be a long time before I can go back to being the before baby me. And by that time I will probably not remember who that was anyway. This can be incredibly scary, hence the crisis. I am trying to turn it around into liberating.
So I have been thinking about what really matters in my life. What are those things that are so intrinsic to me that I cannot give them up and what is just chaff? What do I want my daughter to see in me when she is old enough to notice? For me this thought process has caused me to discard some things and uncover some old hobbies that have fallen to the wayside. I am becoming less selfish as I search for the things that I love that I can share and do with her, instead of just things for myself that would leave her on her own. I am looking for ways to meld my life with her needs. Because maybe the real baby crisis is the fact that I don't want to be without her as much as I thought I would. I want to share my joys, my sorrows, my passions, my triumphs, and failures so that as she grows she will share hers with me. Because motherhood changes your life and I am betting that it is not actually a crisis, although it may sometimes feel like one, but a blessing. I am simplifying my life so that I have room in it for the most important passion; love.

The Death and Rebirth of Minimalism

My life may just be the death of minimalism and simple living. I love both these ideas. I hold them close to my heart and take them out to polish and croon over whenever I have a free moment to think. The concept of letting go of possessions, trimming down, needing less, buying less, and working less is almost my mecca I suppose. The environmental benefits that come with this style of living make it even more attractive, as well as having the time to pursue more creative and enjoyable aspects of my life. But lets be honest, I have a lion's share of stuff. And the hard part is most of it isn't really mine! I have piles of dog stuff, mountains of horse things, even the baby has her own room for all the belongings she has acquired at the tender age of 10 weeks. She doesn't sleep in that room, she sleeps with us, but we still need that room for her things. And it is overwhelming to think about the other items that fill my life. We have closets full of climbing gear, backpacking gear, kayaking gear, snowboarding gear, and miscellaneous gear for who knows what. Heirlooms and decorative items fill shelves, cupboards, and top dressers. This list could go on endlessly. And it is very hard to think of getting rid of any of it. Some of it I cannot get rid of anyway. Babies and animals require a certain amount of things to make sure they are cared for properly. But letting go of the extraneous stuff seems just as hard. My unacknowledged pack rat is coming to the forefront and fighting tooth and nail for every knickknack and item. So I have looked at my life and thought that I cannot simplify or live a minimalist life and that has depressed me. Until now. Because lately I have been thinking about it a different way. I have been trying to practice going with the flow instead of always swimming upstream. This is something that both Taoism and Buddhism teach, yet it it is so hard to put into practice. I have started realizing that my life is beautiful as it is right now. I don't have to get rid of everything and live a monastic life. I can only do what I can I do. The value in the minimalist way of thinking is in the fact that anyone can simplify to make their life better. I do not have to get rid of everything and have only one set of clothes for myself or the baby. I can love and enjoy my horses even though they are not exactly the minimalist ideal. But I also can still refuse to buy things I don't really need and throw those things away that really are not adding anything to my life. And it will still be liberating and it will still benefit my life. I am going to start with my books. I have more books than anyone needs, so I am going to weed out those that don't mean anything to me and that I haven't read in years. And from there I will see where it takes me, maybe to my closet or to some of those knickknacks. It is a rebirth of minimalism for me, one that doesn't make me feel guilty about what I can't do, but freed by what I can. I challenge you to look at your life this week and find one area that you can simplify and do it! It will make you feel better, it really will!

My beautiful girl

I cannot wait to open my eyes and see her every morning. Her presence in my life is a source of great peace and happiness. In fact, I cannot imagine my life without her in it. The beauty and joy she brings to the world as she moves through it is a constant source of amazement to me. That a being can live so in the moment, on zen time, and have so much trust in the world around her defies all my cynical moments. In many ways she is the role model for me in my taoist practice and in gliding gracefully through life. No one I know lives more at one with the world around her and finds so much joy in the simplicities of life. Everyone may think I am talking about Eowyn and it is true all these things apply to her as well. But actually I am talking about a relationship that has been around much longer than Eowyn, the one I have with my dog Siobhan. No relationship has meant more to me in many ways. Through the good times and the hard ones she has been my constant companion for almost twelve years. And now she is getting old. This is a fact of life that everyone ages and grows old, yet I find myself railing against it.
All this comes up because Siobhan had an accident last night. She peed all over the bed at three in the morning while I was in the nursing chair with Eowyn. This is always frustrating, especially when you are trying to climb back into bed, dead tired, to finally get some sleep only to find your spot soaked. But what really bothered me was that she was asleep and did not even know she had done it. My Siobhan has not lived a life without accidents in the house, she is a dog. But she was always aware of them and completely embarrassed and mortified at what she had done. She would run to the door or to a hiding spot, sure she had done something wrong. So to see her last night sleeping in a huge wet spot, oblivious to the fact she had even gone to the bathroom, broke my heart into pieces. She still doesn't know what happened and I am not telling her. The reality of her aging is hard enough on me and I would spare her the knowledge of her incontinence for as long as possible. My own aging process has brought me some amount of grief. Things don't come as easily physically as they use to and food sticks in the wrong places easier on me than I would like these days. But the aging of my beautiful puppy has rubbed a raw spot on my soul that has changed me. Suddenly mortality is really real and I know one day I will have to say good bye to her and other loved ones in my life. Sure, people I love have passed away, but no one I have lived so closely with as I have with Siobhan. And it makes me realize I will have to watch my beautiful daughter grow up and leave infanthood behind. She will hopefully outlive me by many wonderful years, but I will still be here to see her outgrow her need for me as she becomes an independent person. So I am going to rededicate myself today to the Buddhist practice of living in the Now. I am going to enjoy every moment of every day of Eowyn's childhood good and bad, whether she is fussy or smiling. But most of all I am going to go hug my Siobhan and I am going to do it every chance I get. And I am going to thank her every day for being her and not think about what happens tomorrow.
I am going to live in that timeless Now where we are always together and she is always my beloved puppy.

The Cold Conundrum

Eowyn, who is 9 weeks old, has a cold. This presents a huge conundrum for me. I know I should not worry. I believe I should not worry. Yet I still find myself counting her wheezing breaths at night and constantly checking her color and temperature, unable to sleep myself. Peace and stillness of mind seems absolutely impossible to achieve when I hear her little cough or listen to her breathe. I scan the internet looking for clues on how to help her, what her symptoms could mean. A practice I do not suggest to anyone by the way. It will just make you more worried and crazy! The doctor has said she is fine, ZenDad assures me that she is not going to die from a little cold, yet that worry is persistent. Last night I found myself practicing my breathing, trying to relax as she lay on my chest fitfully sleeping. I began to wonder how much worry is healthy in a mother and when does it take control of your life and become a source of stress? I also wondered if the worry of a mother is even something you can control. Is constant worrying for your child just part of the motherhood package? I made a pact with myself to try to keep my worrying to a minimum and trust in Eowyn and myself. This is just the beginning and if I worry this much I am going to make her a nervous child. Life happens and she is going to get sick, break bones, fall off horses, crash snowboarding, and all kinds of things I cannot control nor probably imagine. Nor should I try and control them. ( I probably should not try to imagine them either!) Life lived to the fullest is never completely safe and I want her to experience all life has to offer, safe or not. Controlling my worry may not be as easy as writing about it, however. It is a conundrum that I am going to have to work on as she grows. But now I have to go. She is wheezing and I need to count her breaths and make sure she is alright. Then I better go meditate on the fact that worry is doing nothing good for me or her!