Back to the Grind

So today is the official end of my maternity leave. I cannot begin to explain the emotions that this causes as I look at Eowyn, happily burbling to her pal Chester the horse, as she sits next to me. On the surface, I know I should feel lucky. I have managed to tweak our life so that I am only going back part time. Today, I only have to perform dorm duty and that does not even start until 5:15 tonight. And after that I only have to work in the library on Thursdays and Fridays. But still I have this sinking in my heart. I am lucky, I just have to keep telling myself that. But I don't really believe it. Because no matter how little time I have to spend away from Eowyn, it is still time that I will never get back. Every smile that I miss is one I will never see. And every diaper change I am not here for is a missed chance to interact with my daughter and deepen our bond. I may miss milestones like her first real out loud laugh, or her first time turning over. I cannot rewind and be there for those things once I have missed them. I never thought I would want to be a stay at home Mum. All I could think was how boring that must be and how I could never do it. But I was wrong. There is nothing more special and time consuming than watching and helping your baby grow. It reminds you of the wonder of life and the simplicity of what we need to really survive. Sure, some days are frustrating and tiring, but the rewards outweigh those days by a hundred fold. So in some ways I am lucky and in some ways I am desperately trying to figure out how we could survive if I didn't work for awhile, at all. Because as I return to the grind, even part time, I am aware with every fiber of my being what I am going to be missing. I am going to be missing moments of life and love and laughter just to make a few bucks. Maybe neither my daughter or I want to settle for that.